In my lifetime, I have seen Jesus Christ go from being a blue-eyed, blond-haired, somewhat wimpy, hippie-ish Son of God to, on the one hand, a brown-eyed, Palestinian jew with curly or wavy hair (or possibly a black man), and, on the other hand, an ass-kicking, gay-hating marine with a Southern drawl (he only speaks English, dammit) and a Hummer. Of the two possibilities, I have to say I am more comfortable with him as an Arab or black man than I am with him as basically an anti-Christ who’s going to come back one day and open up a can of whupass on all us heathens, and then settle down in South Carolina, or possibly Kansas.

However, the idea of Jesus as this violent, intolerant right-winger does fire my imagination in ways the more ethnically and historically correct but still basically kind, thoughtful Messiah doesn’t. Picturing Christ as some kind of tight-butted, snuff-spitting special-ops guy is just more fun. So, while I may in a future post attempt to trace the evolution of popular concepts of Christ, for now I am going to attempt to catalog all the ways that Christ the Carolina shitkicker knows to kill a man. Herewith is that list:

  • Jesus can rip your heart out of your chest and keep you alive long enough to watch Him eat it
  • Jesus can manipulate air currents in such a way as to produce an ultra-low-pressure system that will make your lungs explode, or cause your skeleton to pop out of your skin
  • Jesus can reach in and pull your spine out
  • Jesus can pull your skin up over your face, so that you suffocate on your own skin
  • Jesus can end you with a paper clip
  • Jesus can end you with a well-thrown CD
  • Jesus can end you with a manila folder
  • Jesus can end you with anything from Staples, up to and including the Easy Button
  • Muhammad, Buddha, Joseph Smith and Rasta Fari know how to take you out, too
  • Jesus carries a dozen throwing stars on his person at all times
  • Jesus can cancel you by pinching you at one of about a dozen locations on your body
  • Jesus is like fucking MacGyver, man
  • Jesus don’t take no mess
  • Jesus can drop you just by holding a certain note
  • Jesus can put a cap in yo’ ass
  • Jesus can lock you in a room and suck all the air out with a straw
  • If Jesus punches you in the solar plexus, or under your arms, you out, G.